


I Need You

by Maisie_top_trash



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Dependency, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, Mental Illness, Self Harm, bipolar, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: It’s one thing to care about your boyfriend, it’s a whole other thing to become their carer.Tyler wished he could say that mental illness doesn’t change anything but in reality, managing Josh’s bipolar was chipping away at his soul little by little and every day he edged nearer and nearer breaking point.How can you turn your back on someone who needs you?
Relationships: Tyler Joseph/Josh Dun
Comments: 23
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of self harm and suicide, and discussions of mental health and the pressure it can place on loved ones
> 
> Disclaimer, I do not have bipolar and therefore the representation might be inaccurate - I tried my best to research it but if that’s the case then please let me know as I want to learn xx

“Babe, I’m home!” Tyler announced as he opened their front door, pulling his keys out of the lock and closing it behind him, then slipping off his fancy uncomfortable leather shoes and kicking them roughly towards the pile under their coat hooks. 

“Sorry I’m late, Victoria had me drop off her dry cleaning on the way back and the usual place was closed for some reason so I had to take a detour.” He didn’t know whereabouts in their apartment Josh was, but it was only small so you could hear everything from everywhere. “Did you know they’ve just opened up another coffee shop on 23rd Avenue?? That’s like the fourth one now. Obviously it was shut but it looked pretty good when I peeked through the glass, wanna go check it out this weekend?”

“Babe?” It was getting suspicious that Josh wasn’t responding so Tyler stopped scrolling through the emails he had received on his drive home on his phone and instead went in search of his boyfriend, finding their little kitchen empty and then their bedroom empty, but eventually seeing him sat on the floor in their living room. 

“Josh?”  
“Ty! Oh! Hi! Hey, when did you get back?? Hey!”  
“Hey,” he smiled with a small chuckle. “Like 30 seconds ago, can I get a welcome home kiss?”  
“Yep!” Josh jumped to his feet and rushed across the carpet and pecked Tyler on the lips, then went straight back to his pile of papers on the floor again. 

Tyler was exhausted from a long day at work and chucked his briefcase onto the couch before he pulled his tie off and then his blazer and collapsed down onto the couch too. 

“What you up to lovebug?” He yawned, watching as Josh scribbled something down on a piece of paper - he didn’t work but Tyler wasn’t surprised to see him working away at something, he was always working on something.   
“Plans, so many plans!”  
“Ooh, sounds exciting, anything you can share with me?”  
“Look! I found a major at college that I wanna do! I’m gonna be an archaeologist! I sent my application in already!! Or, or, or look, this one is how I’m gonna start a t shirt company! We’re gonna sell t shirts and like, uh, like longsleeve shirts and everything! Oh and this is, uh, wait what is this?? No, uh, how about this one! It’s a list of all the cities I wanna visit and we can do it as a road trip together, right? Wouldn’t that be cool!” Josh was sifting through all the paper with a huge proud grin and Tyler sat back and watched, letting him finish before he interrupted. 

“You sent in a college application today then?”  
“Two!”  
“You not think that’s something we should have done together?”  
“Why?? I did it from that email account you set up to spy on me, so it’s fine, right?”  
“Dr Marshall recommended I have access to your email, just so I can keep an eye on it and make sure everything’s okay, but I’m not gonna stop you darling. As long as it’s safe and within reason, you can do whatever you want,” Tyler reassured him whilst also discretely pulling his phone out again and going into the gmail account that had Josh’s login details saved. 

He meant what he said, he wasn’t gonna stop Josh doing anything just because it wasn’t the most sensible thing, the only time he stepped in was when the emails posed a risk to Josh’s safety, reputation or bank balance. Thankfully the two emails that Josh had sent to the made up addresses Harvard.email and Yale.email had both bounced, so neither of the schools had received the message: Hi it’s Josh, you should let me come to your school because I would be top of your class, and I would be a great guy, Josh xx

“Ooh, Harvard and Yale hey? Aiming high?”  
“High?? Nah, that’ll be easy for me, I’ll get in, no problemo!”  
“Fingers crossed! But they’re quite far away sweetheart, you gonna leave me here on my own?”  
“No! No you can come with me! Oh by the way I saw a cat out the window today and I fed it your sandwich ham! But I’ll find you something to do whilst I’m making t shirts and going to school - maybe you could work for my t shirt factory!”  
“That’s a nice offer, thank you, but I like working in real estate,”

“You don’t work in real estate thoughhhh,”  
“I do babe,”  
“Nope, you’re not a realtor, you’re Victoria’s assistant. You answer the phone and bake cookies for open houses and do Victoria’s laundry, you don’t actually sell houses or whatever. Why do you think humans live in houses anyway?? Wouldn’t caves be so much better?! Working in my factory would be wayyyy better,”  
“I’m only her assistant until my licence comes through,”  
“You’ve been saying that for years and years and years and years,”   
“But now we really are getting close. I finished all my classes and passed my exam, she just needs to be my sponsoring broker for my application to be processed and then it’ll be official, and Victoria agreed to sign by the end of this quarter.”  
“She’s been promising for months,”  
“She’s been busy,”  
“Doing what?? You do everything for her,”

Tyler smiled because he knew it was true, and because he was exhausted and it was that or cry. The signature had been the carrot on the stick for months and he was tired of it. 

“She’s gonna sign, I trust her. If not, I’ll reach out to a different broker, I’ll just give her a few more weeks. She’s the best and having her as my mentor is gonna do wonders for my career-“  
“If you ever actually begin your career,” Josh sniffed, not meaning any malice by it at all, just not having the awareness of the wounds his words could sometimes cause. 

“Don’t you worry handsome, give it a year and I’ll be the biggest high end realtor in Columbus. You won’t be able to leave the house without seeing my face plastered on benches and buses on every corner.”  
“I’d like that. I’d like to sit on your face.”  
“You can sit on my face whenever you want.” Tyler winked then laughed. 

Josh smiled at him but Tyler could see in his eyes that his boyfriend really wasn’t well. He could barely last half a second of eye contact before the buzzing got a hold of him again and he had to go back to feverishly writing on his page. 

“You remember to eat today Josh?”  
“Why?? I ate yesterday,”  
“You gotta eat every day, I know it’s boring but it’s gotta be done,”  
“Why?”  
“Well otherwise you’ll starve.”  
“Nope, not me.”  
“And who told you that mister?”  
“I just know it! I do! I’m not like you, or, or like other people, I’m not, I don’t have to do your things,”  
“Let’s say you don’t have to, for some reason,” Tyler knew arguing over delusions was pointless, in fact it would only further agitate him, “what if you want to? Do you want to eat?”  
“No, too busy, much too busy,”

“How about if I order take out?” He knew Josh always got excited at the thought of take out.   
“Ooh! I know I know! We can get a garlic bread from Domino’s and spring rolls from Mr Chan’s and Pad Thai from Blue Dragon and cheeseburgers from Speedy’s Diner and-“  
“Why don’t you go and find all the menus and we can go through them together and pick out a few things? They’re under-“  
“The sink, I know!” Josh sprinted out of the room giddily. 

  
“You taken your meds tonight?” Tyler didn’t like asking, knowing it was always a point of tension, but he was tucked up in their bed whilst Josh paced backwards and forwards along the foot and looked nowhere close to ready to sleep. 

“No,”  
“Can you, please?”  
“Don’t need them,”  
“Sweethea-“  
“I’m not sick, medication is for sick people, I’m not sick,”  
“You’re getting fizzy again though, aren’t you? I can see it, you’re getting ramped up agai-“  
“I’m not getting ramped up! Shut up!! You don’t know what I’m thinking! You don’t! So, so, so just shut up!” Josh snapped at him, so Tyler gave him a couple more lengths of the room before trying again. 

“I know you like the mania, but if you don’t take your medication then the crash is gonna be so much worse,”  
“I’m not manic, I’m not, I just have a tornado in my brain,”  
“Okay, well I think the medication helps with tornadoes too.”  
“No it won’t!”  
“Josh,”  
“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child Tyler! I’m a grown ass man and I can make my own decisions and right now I’m deciding to ignore you and not take pills I don’t even need and to do the hell I want so leave me alone!!”

“You know I have to call your dad when you won’t take your meds,”  
“If you loved me then you wouldn’t.”  
“It’s because I love you that I want you to take the medication. It helps, Josh,”  
“It helps me be like you, but I don’t wanna be like you, I’m not like, you, I, I, I’m different, I’m special, I don’t, I’m, I’m not like you, and you just want me to be boring like you cos you’re jealous and you want to be like me and have special abilities like me and see the colours like I do and feel as strong as I do and, and, and have as much energy as I do, because you know you’re never gonna be as powerful as I am, but I’m not taking the pills, not ever - I refuse to ever be made small and slow like you. I’m on a different plain, I see things so much quicker and so much better than you, you’re just floating through life at half speed, unable to even taste the creativity that I ooze, but your stupid pills will never make me like you, never, absolutely never, no,”

Tyler yawned. 

“I’m not gonna push myself back into a tiny little box just to please you and those other people, no sir, I’ve been blessed with this power, this gift is a gift from God, and I refuse to push myself back down just to conform to your ideals. I’m not going to, no, no, I won’t. Plus don’t you know what they put in those capsules?? Haven’t you seen what big pharma has been doing?? It’s not even real medication Tyler! You’re a fool! It’s, it’s, it’s other stuff, it’s bad stuff, and I can’t be putting that kind of stuff into my body because then I won’t be able to use my power and I’ll be small and insignificant again, just like everybody else. I don’t want that, I wanna feel the power coursing through my veins, making me stronger and stronger and stronger,”

Josh talked really fast when he was manic, and Tyler processed really slowly when he was sleepy. 

“So call my dad if you want, see if I care - nothing’s gonna stop me from being who I am, I refuse to bow down to your expectations of me, I won’t ever-“  
“I’m gonna call your dad, babe,” Tyler sighed, twisting to reach his phone and quickly scrolling to the contact. 

“Tyler? Hey kiddo,”  
“Hi Bill,”  
“Josh there with you? He alright?”  
“Yeah he’s here, he’s good, he’s just quite ramped up and-“  
“I’m not ramped up Dad!! Ignore him!! I’m not!!” Josh raised his voice in hopes of being heard down the line.   
“And won’t take his night meds,”  
“Is that him yelling away in the back?”  
“Yep,”  
“Alright, you did the right thing calling me. Hand me over and I’ll have a word,”  
“Thanks Bill,” Tyler smiled at Josh then held the phone towards him. “Your dad wants to speak to you,”  
“Well I don’t wanna speak to him!”  
“Josh, you know if you don’t then he’ll get up and drive all the way over here, and you don’t want him going to all that trouble, do you?” 

Josh’s father was his whole world, a man he loved and respected more than any, and even the nonsensical constant stream of distraction that was filling his mind recently wasn’t enough to stop him feeling that affection for his father. 

“Fine.” Josh took Tyler’s mobile with a huff, then marched out of the bedroom with it. 

He loved his boyfriend no matter what. To say it didn’t matter whether Josh was in the middle of a big swing or not was a lie though, he cared a lot and some days that care he felt made their relationship difficult, just because it was so emotionally draining on Tyler. It hurt to see Josh so controlled by the bipolar, knowing he didn’t have a choice but to get swept up by the swells of intensity, and Tyler wished there was something he could do other than offer support from the sidelines. 

This manic episode was still in its early stages and Tyler knew he was only going to get more and more restless and erratic as the crescendo built up and up. Even though he was labelled as rapid cycling, the episodes were still weeks long. Josh found the mania better, enjoying the hysterical joy, but for Tyler they were the harder of the two extremes to manage. Even though he wouldn’t wish a depressive episode on anybody, at least then Josh would let him cuddle him close and they could lay together and hold one another and find comfort in each other. With the mania, Josh was unpredictable and that terrified Tyler. He never knew what he was coming home to and how much damage will have been done. 

The risky behaviours in the past had ranged from gambling away $3000 on a pageant show, getting his licence suspended for driving the wrong way down the highway, sleeping with 6 different guys in one day and almost contracting HIV, quitting his job on the spot by pouring coffee over his boss’s head, stealing an iPhone off a rude lady who pushed in a queue, breaking both his ankles jumping off a roof - the list went on and on and on. 

Tyler and Josh’s family and therapists were proactive as they could be, setting up a bank account with strict restrictions on how much he could spend, taking away his car, suggesting he didn't find a new job after a recent hospitalisation and instead focussed on himself, and for the most part Josh was doing really well with allowing their shepherding. Of course some days he got frustrated at Tyler and lashed out, but Tyler had to remind himself that Josh was just sick and it wasn’t his fault, and for the most part it worked. He was happy. 

“Here,” Josh threw Tyler’s phone back to him as he returned, but he was over enthusiastic with the arc and Tyler had to lunge to catch it, and did. He saw that not only had Josh had a 5min 47sec phone call, but he’d also taken close to 100 selfies, and they were all adorable. 

“What did daddio have to say?”  
“Usual. Brought up Mom. You know I hate it when he does that, don’t you? You know that, right?? I don’t like that! He always does it! It’s like, it’s, it’s like, it’s like if I wanna think about her then I just will, I don’t need him to prompt me, you know? I can do it myself, right? Right?!”  
“Right,” Tyler nodded against his pillow. “But I think he brings her up because he knows how much you love her but also how much you don’t want to make the same mistakes that led her to where she is-“  
“Psych hospital, she’s in a long term residential psych hospital,”  
“Yeh, and your pop just wants you to learn from his and your mom’s experiences so you can enjoy yourself in the community more.”

“Did you know I fed a cat earlier??”  
“With my sandwich ham, right?” Tyler smiled. “Sweetheart, if you don’t take your meds then things might escalate and I can’t promise that I’ll be able to keep you at home. They might commit you again.”  
“But I didn’t do anything wrong!! They can’t!!”  
“Not taking your meds is against your discharge conditions, plus is heightens the risk of you doing something unsafe that gives them no option than to-“  
“Stop it! Stooopppp! Noo, I don’t wanna go back,” Josh kicked the wall in a sulk. 

It looked like it hurt but Tyler didn’t want to embarrass him. 

“Remind me sweetie, what are the 5 fingers of stability?”  
“Sex thing?” He raised an eyebrow suggestively then giggled at his own joke.   
“Not quite.”  
“Kung fu power move?”  
“Almost,”  
“That bullshit thing they make me do at therapy?”  
“Ding ding ding,” Tyler nodded. “Remind me of what your top 5 things for staying healthy are?”  
“Eughhh, sleep, therapy, meds, meals, communication.” Josh counted them out on his fingers like he did when taught in the hospital. “But look! Meds is middle finger! Meds can fuck off!!” He then proceeded to stick the finger up and wave it in Tyler’s face. 

“Babe, I don’t wanna have to get all serious on you right now, I know you’re having fun and I love that you’re so happy, truly, I do, but I’m tired and I don’t wanna have to fight with you about medication, however you do need to take it. If you don’t, I’ll call your dad back and tell him he needs to come here, and you and I both know that he’s not gonna let you get away with it. Either he’ll make you or he’ll take you to the hospital and get them to IM you.”

“I don’t wanna be medicated anymore.”  
“We can discuss that with your psychiatrist next time but you can’t just stop on your own.”  
“I can and I will.”  
“Josh,”  
“What Tyler?!! What?!” He was getting angry, voice far too loud for their poor neighbours. “You’re sooo annoying sometimes.”  
“I just want the best for you,”  
“Well what if the best thing for me is to just be me?! Rather than a medicated zombie?! You know God gave me bipolar for a reason, right? You know evolution gave me bipolar for a reason, yes? If it was a disadvantage, something I’m not meant to have, then it would have been culled out generations and generations ago, but it’s not, because this is a gift. I’m meant to be like this, to have the confidence to lead the pack, to fight any enemy, like hyenas and saber toothed tigers, and I’m brave enough to explore the new caves and find the people shelter - I’m the leader Tyler, I lead from the front, I’m the alpha, I, I’m top of the food chain, and then when I swing to the other side and I go the other way, that’s my body hibernating and I rest and recover so that I can come back round again with even more energy and ideas and bravery. This is what I was designed for Tyler, this is my propose, this is what I’m meant to do, I’m meant to have this much power so that I can lead from the front, not be dulled down by pills,”

Tyler liked that Josh was in a place where he could see his condition as an advantage, however 11pm with work the next day was not the best time to be pretending to fight off tigers. 

“Look Ty, look!”  
“I’m looking,” he tried his best to stay awake enough to watch as Josh karate chopped and punched his way through imaginary animals. “Wow, real life ninja,”  
“Do you think I should go back to that boxing club?”  
“You probably can’t go back to your old one, remember?”  
“Why not??”  
“You beat that instructor up, broke his jaw. We were lucky he didn’t press charges,”  
“He told me to!!”  
“It was supposed to be gentle sparring, he wasn’t expecting you to come at him all out,”  
“Not my fault he’s so bad that a beginner could fuck him up,”  
“Either way honey, probably wouldn’t welcome ya back with open arms,” Tyler yawned. “We could try another club if you promise to go easy on ‘em,”

“Do you think compassion is innate?”  
“Ooh, big question, uh, I think parents almost always innately love-“  
“Do you think the gym near the train station would train me? Train by the train??”  
“Probably,” Josh’s brain was moving so fast that Tyler doubted he would even remember the question he’d just asked.   
“Do you think you’d be able to kill someone?”  
“Me? Nah, I feel bad squishing a spider,”  
“Okay okay, but, like, there’s a killer, right? A killer - Tyler! Tyler imagine!”  
“I’m picturing it right now,”  
“So he’s pointing a gun at my head, a really really big gun, and then you have a button, like maybe a red or a black button or switch or something, and if you flick it then he’ll explode, but if you don’t do it then he’ll shoot me in the head, would you do it then?? Would you kill him!? Would you?!”  
“Josh,”  
“Oh my god you wish I was dead, don’t you? Cos you’re jealous of my power and you want me to be gone so you have less competition,”  
“No, I love you, I’d hurt anybody trying to hurt you, of course I would, but I’m tired sweetie. I have work tomorrow.”

“If you hate me so much, you should just send me away to the loony bin with Mom.”   
“I want you in the community, with me, as long as it’s safe.”   
“I’m safe!! What?! I am safe! What have I done that’s not safe?? Tell me! Huh? Huh!”  
“I didn’t suggest or even mention hospitalisation, you did, but-“  
“So it’s my fault?!”   
“No,”  
“Then it is your fault! Don't blame me!!”   
“I’m, I’m not blaming you Josh,” Tyler rubbed his eye with a balled fist. “Can you take your meds? Please? For me? Once you take them then you can go back in the front room and do whatever you want - go play more Fortnite or write more plans or do Kung fu or whatever, I’m not saying you have to go to bed with me right this second, I know you’ve got too much energy to sleep, but I’m tired. I’m just a mere mortal, I’ve not got any special powers, so I have to sleep, yeh? Will you let me sleep by giving me the peace of mind that you’ve taken your medication? Please?”  
“No,”  
“Alright, I’m calling your dad back and getting him to come over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and a happy new year everyone!
> 
> Sorry I’ve been absent, I’m still inpatient and I’m still not doing so great. I know you guys want me to finish the main fics, trust me, I want to as well, I’m just not really in the right place and for that I can only apologise. I’m frustrated too. 
> 
> This is a fic I actually wrote 2 years ago and wasn’t planning on posting, but I figured I owed you guys content. Also fun fact, I wrote this before Tyler said he would go into real estate in one of his interviews, so yeah?? Idk, made me smile 
> 
> Sorry, hopefully back to normal schedule soon
> 
> Will be posting one of these chapters every day 
> 
> Maisie


	2. Chapter 2

“... Mr and Mrs Jones’s fingernail clippings are worth more than your existence will ever amount to so I swear to God, if you don’t get your ass over there and offer them canapés then I will personally see to it that you’re-“ Victoria stopped mid sentence when she heard another couple enter the room, “just go to them Tyler, mingle, capeesh?? Hello there, I’m Victoria Hawkes of Victoria Hawkes Realty,”

Tyler did as he was told and picked up the silver platter ladened with some fancy pastry thing that smelt kind of funky, then made his way across the sparkling floor of the open house they were hosting, towards the pair that Victoria had pointed out. 

“Good afternoon, I’m Tyler of Victoria Hawkes Realty, can I offer you some canapés Mr and Mrs Jones?”  
“Some better champagne might be nice, where did you find this stuff? Trader Joe’s bargain bucket?” The gentleman in a 3 piece suit pulled a face of disgust at the glass he’d been sipping from.   
“Oh my apologies sir, if it’s not to your taste then can I offer you a glass of wine instead? Or we have freshly squeezed orange juice?”  
“What are you?? A waiter or a realtor?”  
“Realtor’s assistant sir,”  
“Glorified bitch then, hey?”  
“Stephen!” His wife gasped at the language and Tyler just smiled at the floor and gathered himself again, knowing if he retaliated and lost the client then Victoria would have his head. 

“No need to answer that kid, the look on your face says it all,” Mr Jones said smugly.   
“He’s not a kid Stephen - how old are you Tyler?” His wife asked.   
“30, Mrs Jones,”   
“And you’re still the assistant?” Stephen chuckled loudly.   
“I’m fully qualified, just awaiting my certification under Victoria’s excellent mentorship,”   
“Excellent mentorship? The woman’s a psychopath,” they could agree on that matter, but Tyler didn’t want to disrespect his boss so publicly - she’d find out somehow, she always did. 

“Victoria’s tenacious and determined, something I hope to emulate in my own service,”  
“Don’t worry kid, we bought off her before, some penthouse apartment thingy across town. My god, she would’ve thrown you out the window of that block if I told her to without a second thought, she’s an animal.”  
“Well, uh, I’m glad you’ve had experience working with Victoria in the past. She has an excellent ability to meet both her client and the-“  
“Yeh yeh, we don’t need the sales pitch, we’re in.”

“You’re interested in making an offer?” The smile was genuine this time.   
“Yep, this is a steal, that genius mentor of yours has seriously lowballed the place. We’ll knock out the whole back of the house, double it in size, sell it for four times the present asking. Easy money.”  
“I’m so pleased to hear you’re interested. Of course we’re predicting the property is going to be very popular so will likely go at above asking, however,” Tyler paused momentarily as he heard the clicking of heels and felt the cold presence of Victoria looming over his shoulder. He couldn’t fuck this up now. “Um, however our client is keen to close as soon as possible so early bird offers are likely to be very pleasing for them,”  
“Naturally though, we’re not going to hand over the keys to the first name to hit my desk, are we Tyler? We appreciate the worth of this property and I’m charmed to learn that you’ve also caught the fever Mr and Mrs Jones.” Victoria slipped right into the conversation, her heels making her significantly taller than Tyler. 

“Tyler, why don’t you leave the grown ups to talk? Go see if we have any visitors without drinks please,”  
“Certainly,” Tyler bowed out with a small and hopefully discrete sigh. 

Open houses were boring when you weren’t allowed to be a part of any of the exciting bits. 

He abandoned the platter on a side table, took a moment to replaster the fake smile on his face, then started circulating the house again to try and find another potential client. 

With Josh slipping into another manic episode and refusing medication again, Bill had been drafted in and for a while Josh had been delighted that the stakes of the game had been risen, running around their apartment giggling, but inevitably Bill brought up his wife’s bipolar and how bad things had become, then Josh had got angry, and all in all Tyler had managed about 2 hours sleep. Josh didn’t get any. 

“Hi there, can I get anybody a top up or answer any questions about our beautiful property?” He approached a group of three but they all shied away or shook their head, so he took the hint and left them to it. 

His boyfriend hadn’t been able to work in about 18 months, which left them the issue of what to do during the day. When things were slightly more stable, Josh had an excellent routine of exercise and reading and cleaning the house and walking the neighbour’s dog, but once the episodes started intensifying, either he was too depressed to leave his bed, or he was too manic to be confined to a routine. On days like today, Tyler didn’t really feel comfortable leaving him, but there wasn’t too much choice in the matter. They needed the money to afford rent and Victoria didn’t even take a day off for her mother’s funeral, so there was no chance of him being able to sneak a sicky. 

“Tyler!! Ty!! Hi!!”  
“Josh?? What are you doing here?” He hated that his heart dropped when he saw his boyfriend in the next room, quickly rushing over to him and keeping his voice low. 

“I missed you!! I wanted to see you!”  
“I missed you too honey but I’m at work, you can’t be here.”  
“Why not??” Josh whined.   
“Because I’ll get in trouble. How did you even find me?”  
“Google calendar,”  
“Josh you gotta stop getting into my work emails, they’re confidential!”  
“You read all myy emails,” he sulked, then reached out a played with Tyler’s necktie fondly. “I thought you’d be happy to see me,”  
“I am,” Tyler quickly kissed him on the lips, grateful there was nobody else in the room. “But now you’ve really gotta go. I’ve got a picture of us on my desk at the office, you’re on my key ring, Victoria never misses a thing, she’s gonna know who you are and I’m gonna be in so much trouble. Please Josh, please, I’m so closed to being certified, please,”

He knew Josh wasn’t trying to hurt him, but he also knew that Josh was crap at evaluating risk when he was manic and most definitely couldn’t feel the tension that Tyler could in his chest, building up and up. As much as he wanted to be there for his boyfriend in that moment, his priority had to be on work. 

“Tell me babe, help me out, what do you need from me to help you leave? Do you want me to give you a task to motivate you? Do you need a reward? Do you need a threat? What’s gonna get you to leave??” Tyler was panicking. “Please Josh,”  
“I just wanna be with you,” Josh tried to wrap his arms around Tyler’s neck but he pushed him away. “I wanna be with you, I wanna kiss you, I wanna fuck-“  
“Josh I’m at work.”  
“I wanna-“  
“Josh. Stop it.” Tyler had to push his hands away again and take a big step back. 

“Tyler, this gentleman doesn’t have a drink,” Victoria entered the room and Tyler couldn’t breathe. “Hello there, Victoria Hawkes of Victoria Hawkes Realty, pleasure,”  
“Josh,” he shook her hand. “I don’t, I don’t really like this house Miss.”  
“This is why we host open houses - to give our buyers the opportunity to explore what they do and don’t like in a property. There’s no such thing as a wasted visit, now you’ve learnt a little bit more about who you are and what it is that you’re seeking in a home.” Victoria hadn’t clocked him yet but Tyler couldn’t relax. 

“We list dozens of properties so I’m sure we can find something more suited to your preferences. What are you looking for in a home?”  
“Tyler.” He looked across at him suggestively.   
“Tyler?”  
“What Mr Dun means is that we’ve discussed his preferences already, and Mr Dun is looking for a smaller property with a more central location, ideally with a larger kitchen and no garden. I suggested we could see about viewing the property on 4th avenue?” Tyler had to come up with something on the spot and prayed that Victoria didn’t catch on and Josh didn’t throw him under the bus. 

“Vicky, what’s your favourite animal?”  
“I’m sorry?” Nobody dared call her that.   
“Your favourite animal, I thought it might be a hawk, yanno, cos your surname and everything?? Plus hawks are aggressive and heartless and Tyler said-“  
“And Tyler said what??” She stared at him with such intensity that he wanted to puke.   
“Tyler said you’re a bitch at work and you treat him like shit and-“  
“Stop talking stop talking stop talking,” he couldn’t take it anymore. “I didn’t say any of that I swear, I’m so sorry Victoria, I don’t know what, I, I, I’m sorry,”  
“What?? It’s the truth!” Josh still didn’t feel guilty. “You know he’s really smart, right? Like not as smart as me, but he’s still super smart, I should know, he’s my boyfriend, and-“  
“Tyler, this is your boyfriend?”   
“Yes,” he couldn’t look her in the eye.   
“Okay sir, I don’t know what the Hell this is but you need to leave right now,” Victoria looked calm and collected, however Tyler knew it was a front and he was gonna be in for it any second. 

“I don’t wanna leave!! I wanna be with my Ty!” Josh reached out to him again and he had no choice but to lunge out the way, not wanting to make matters worse for himself with Victoria. “Hey?! Douche!”  
“Josh, go, just go, please.”  
“This is private property and you’re disturbing our event here today. If you do not remove yourself from this property then I’ll have your ass thrown in jail, capeesh?”  
“Capeesh?? What the fuck does capeesh mean... that’s not a word! Tell her Ty, tell her you want me to stay, tell her you and I are gonna be together forever and if she wants me gone then you’ll have to come with me, tell her,”  
“Josh, if you don’t leave then I’ll break up with you.” Tyler couldn’t look him in the eyes. “I’m serious, I’ll break up with you. If you care about me even a little bit, I am begging you, please, walk away.”

He felt like the worst human in the world, knowing he’d broken Josh’s heart over something he couldn’t control. 

“Fine. I never liked you anyway, you’re not good enough for me and, a-and you’re boring,” Josh stormed out and Victoria followed after him, no doubt making sure he actually left, but Tyler felt too weak to move. 

Everything was crashing down around him and there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix any of it. 

“So you brought your crackhead boyfriend to work, where should I start?” Victoria returned and stood far too close to him, spitting her words, arms crossed against her chest, rings on her long fingers just millimetres from Tyler.   
“He’s, he’s not well. He’s got bipolar and-“  
“And you’re deluded if you think I give a shit. Whatever the fuck that was, that’s not on him, that’s on you.”  
“Absolutely, I, yeh, yes, I agree,”

“So what happens now?”  
“I can call his dad, make sure he gets collected and-“  
“You really are a fucking idiot, aren’t you Tyler?”  
“N-no?” He was so tired that he could burst into tears at any moment.   
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what happens to that crackhead as long as he’s not ruining my open house. I meant what happens with you. What do you need to do to make up for all this time you’re wasting?”  
“You can dock my pay for today.”   
“Today? Try this whole week.”  
“O-Okay,” Tyler needed the money but if he argued then he’d lose his job.   
“And??” She was testing him, see how much he was willing to sacrifice.   
“And I’ll do all your paperwork next week,”  
“And??”  
“And, um, I, I’ll clean everything up here today, let you get off as soon as the event is over,”  
“And??”  
“And, I, uh, I, I can, um, I don’t know Victoria, whatever you want, I’ll do it, I’m sorry,” 

“Bringing your partner to an open house, it’s very unprofessional Tyler. I thought you’d know that by now,”  
“I know that, I do, I-“  
“You clearly don’t. I think what’s best is a while longer under my mentorship, should we agree, say 6 more months?”  
“6 more months? I passed my exam-“   
“Tyler.”

He knew what that tight lip meant. It meant you don’t have any other option you fucking idiot, she’s got you in a corner. If you protest then she’ll drop you and nobody will rehire you with the disgusting recommendation letter she’ll write you and the lies she’ll spread about you. If you agree then there’s a flicker of hope of one day getting that signature, just very very far in the future. 

“6 more months would be a wonderful opportunity to learn. Thank you.”

“Ah, I was hoping we’d see you tonight mister, come in,”  
“Sorry it’s so late, Victoria kept me for hours,”  
“You call 9pm late? You remember me being at your place till 4am last night, yes? 9pm is nothing,” Bill smiled genuinely, holding the door open so Tyler could go through, feet heavy and dragging. 

“Have you had some dinner? We had pizza and there’s a couple slices left over. Try as he might, Josh couldn’t finish the second of the two larges he ordered.”   
“Do you mind? I’m starving,”  
“Course kid, help yourself,” Bill grabbed a plate from the cabinet and passed it across to Tyler so that he could open the box on the counter and pull out two pieces of pepperoni pizza for himself. 

“Sure you don’t want another?”  
“I’ll start with 2 thanks,”  
“And a Red Bull?”  
“Of course,” Tyler smiled when he saw his boyfriend’s father had already pulled a can out for him. 

“Go on kiddo, siddown,”   
“Thanks,”  
“Heard you had an open house today?”  
“2,” Tyler nodded as the pair sat opposite each other at the kitchen table, Bill nursing a cup of coffee. He was clearly caffeinating in preparation of another late night with Josh. “Both went good, lotta interested people, so we’ll see,”  
“I’m glad, and I’m sorry you had an unwanted visitor,”  
“He wasn’t an unwanted visitor, it was really sweet that he visited, really sweet, just unfortunate timing combined with an evil boss. He didn’t do anything wrong,” Tyler said as he started eating the room temp pizza. 

“Is he here?”  
“Was earlier, got a little too fizzy to be in the house so Jordan took him for a run. Personally not my first choice of things to be doing with that much pizza in my belly but he was well up for it. Been gone about an hour so should be back soon.” Bill had such an adoring look in his eyes when he talked about his sons, and Tyler was so grateful that they had him. Even down to the language the father used and Tyler had sometimes adopted himself, fizzy rather than manic, encapsulated the way he saw his son as an individual rather than his mental health condition. 

He was a good dad and a far better carer than Tyler would ever be. 

“Your boss give you crap for it?”  
“Nah,”  
“I won’t tell Josh.”  
“Lil bit, but she was just looking for an excuse. If it hadn’t been Josh then it would’ve been something else.”

“At what point do you walk away Ty?”  
“From Josh?”  
“Josh? No no, your boss,”  
“Oh, uh,” Tyler stuttered for a moment. “I, it’s, it’s complicated. I can’t really, um, she, everyone important in the world of realty knows her, if I quit then she’ll tell everyone I’m not willing to work hard and then my career is over before it’s even begun,”  
“But you can’t begin your career whilst trapped under her wing.”  
“What use is a career with no customers? Reputation is everything in real estate, nobody’s gonna wanna work with a realtor known for not working hard. I gotta keep playing the game.” Tyler shrugged, moving onto his second slice of pizza. 

“Freudian slip, that’s what they call it, isn’t it?”  
“Hmm? Sorry?”  
“Where you accidentally say what you’re subconsciously thinking. Are you thinking about walking away from Josh?”  
“No.”  
“It’s a lot, to love someone with a mental illness. Trust me, I’d know. I love my wife more than anything but Lord knows there were times where I questioned how much longer I could keep putting myself through the wringer.”  
“I love Josh, I’m not, I, I’m not having second thoughts, it’s fine.”  
“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met. You’re gonna wanna take some classes if you’re gonna convince future buyers that you’ve got other bids coming in, or whatever,” Bill sipped his coffee without blinking. 

“I love Josh.”  
“I don’t doubt that.”  
“I want the best for him,”  
“I can see that,”  
“I’m just not convinced I am the best thing for him right now,” Tyler whispered. 

It was almost as if Bill could predict the two boys would come crashing through the front door at that exact moment because he didn’t even begin to reply, just smiled sadly and sympathetically. 

“Baloney! No way, absolutely no way, I saw you stumbling round that last corner, those legs are jelly and you can’t convince me otherwise,”  
“I’m telling you! I could run a marathon right now! I could! I could run 2 marathons! Or 3! I could, I, I, I could do 5 marathons back to back without a break and without even sweating one single drop!”   
“Yeh yeh yeh, ‘cept you’re dripping buckets right now,” Jordan was mocking his brother playfully as they came through to the kitchen, barging shoulders with one another, both in soaking gym gear and with red sweaty faces. 

“Hey boys, how was that?”  
“Not half bad, did about 8 miles, was ahead of Josh the whole time,” Jordan checked his Apple Watch for the distance then stuck his tongue out at his older brother.   
“Liar! He’s a liar! I was totally miles and miles ahead of you, in fact I could have stopped and cooked a roast dinner in the park and still won!!” Josh boasted proudly, not making eye contact with Tyler yet.   
“Ode to be young, hey? You feelin a bit better Josh?”  
“Still wanna repaint the house,” he quickly scratched the scruff growing on his jaw but noticeably didn’t have the same vivacity as he sometimes could. 

“Maybe tomorrow kiddo, let’s see about getting some sleep tonight first,”  
“Don’t need sleep,”  
“I disagree - you got your way last night and didn’t sleep, so tonight it’s my turn to get what I want and I say you do sleep. Sound fair?”  
“No,” he sulked.   
“We’ll flip a coin on it later, right now you got a guest.” Bill gestured to Tyler with his head.   
“Good to see you Ty, I'm gonna go jump in the shower,” Jordan took that as his cue to leave and slipped out the door, leaving Josh standing alone. 

“I don’t know who that is,” Josh turned away coldly.   
“Let me enlighten you. That’s the love of your life, the guy you’ve been inseparable from for the last 4 years, the man who dedicates his everything to you, and someone you owe a hell of a lot to,”

Tyler didn’t really know what that meant, flattering though it was, since he’d just revealed for the first time out loud that he was struggling with the relationship. Was Bill trying to pile on the pressure? To force them together? To cheer up his son? To remind Tyler what they’d been through to get to today? He really didn’t know. 

“You cannot, and I can’t stress this enough, you cannot interfere with his livelihood, you hear me?”  
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”  
“You got him in trouble with his boss.”  
“That’s not my fault!!” He was getting worked up already.   
“It’s fine Bill, don’t,” Tyler tried to stop things from escalating on his behalf.   
“See Dad! It wasn’t me!! It was him! He was rude to me!!”  
“I’m sorry I was rude to you babe, I didn’t mean it, I was stressed and-“  
“Dad do you still have that hedge trimmer?”  
“I do, but no power tools whilst you’re fizzy, and no interrupting Tyler when he’s tryna talk to you.” Bill was unfazed by the complete randomness of Josh’s stream of thought. 

“I was doing a nice thing and he snapped at me because of it.”   
“And how did that make you feel?” Bill did his best impression of a therapist.   
“Pissed off, like, like I could punch someone, like I could punch like Jackie Chan does with an egg still in his hand without breaking the egg, except I didn’t have an egg, like that.”  
“I’m sorry I made you feel like that.” Tyler said quietly.   
“Dad do you think we can get to Canada by nightfall?”  
“It’s 9pm kiddo, night has already fallen, so I’d say probably not. Why don’t you ask your boyfriend why he snapped at you?”  
“Cos I already know, it’s cos he’s jealous of me and he wants what I have, he wants to see colours like I do, he wants to be better than me all the time and he thinks that he is but he’s not and then he saw how much Victoria likes me and he got jealous cos Victoria hates him and he didn’t like the fact that I’m better friends with Victoria already than he has ever been and we’re best friends now and she hates him and he thinks if he destroys me that they’ll be friends but they won’t, they won’t! Victoria only likes me! And we’re gonna be best friends Dad! So, so, so, so you see? Yes?” 

“If your friendship with Victoria was making Tyler sad, shouldn’t Tyler be your priority? Put him before Victoria?”  
“Why? He always puts Victoria before me.” Josh said one of the most sensible and heartbreaking things Tyler had heard from him in a while. 

It wasn’t Josh’s fault that he couldn’t comprehend what he’d done was wrong, he knew that. But he also had to face up to the fact that, in the moment, Tyler had prioritised work over the love of his life, and what did that say about him?? 

“I’m sorry Josh. My priorities were whack. You’re the most important thing in my life-“  
“I know, I’m, I’m the most important thing in everyone’s life,”  
“Yeh you’re very important to us,” Bill agreed with him, smiling softly.   
“Is the plural lives? Should it be lives? Everyone’s lives?? Or is it a collective? Like a collective noun? It’s a collective noun, isn’t it, so, so, right, so it’s everyone’s life, or is it everyone’s lives? Because they’re individual lives, but everyone is a plural but unless it’s a singular name for a group, or is it just a singular? Which is it? It’s lives, isn’t it? Yeh. Or unless it’s not, unless it’s life, so yeh, I think it’s one of them, unless-“  
“Josh. We know what you mean, let your brain move on.” His father intervened after a little while. 

“I wanna move on from all of this, it’s boring, I don’t care about any of it, I wanna do something fun. Can we go buy paint now please Dad?? Please? I’ll drive! I’ll drive and I’ll pay using your money! Please!”  
“It’s 9pm on a Friday night, what home improvement store is gonna be open? Plus you got your licence taken off you so you ain’t driving anywhere mister.”

The BMV has suspended Josh’s licence after the police caught him driving recklessly during a manic episode the previous year, 70mph the wrong way down the highway. Now his car lived in Bill’s garage, with the keys safely locked away somewhere hidden, and Tyler was secretly relieved that he no longer had to worry about that element at least. 

“Oh and by the way, I haven’t even agreed to letting you paint anything yet, so don’t go getting ahead of yourself.”  
“I wanna go to art school!”  
“If you get together a full portfolio then I’ll help you with your application.” Bill nodded along, knowing Josh wouldn’t even recall the suggestion by morning.   
“I wanna go to art school in Florence,”  
“Gonna learn Italian?”  
“I already know most of it! Ciao, buon giorno, ciao!”  
“My my, we have a linguist among us,” he smiled at Tyler then back at his son. 

“Josh,”  
“What??” He was pacing back and forth over and over again.   
“Can you promise me something?”  
“What??”  
“Promise me you won’t show up at Tyler’s workplace again without calling him for permission first?”  
“My whole body feels like it’s being tickled!”  
“You’re all sweaty, it’s probably evaporating off your skin kiddo,”  
“No! No I’m being! I’m being tickled,” he started laughing and trying to scratch his own back and Tyler was too exhausted to find it adorable, only feeling scared and sad for his partner. 

“Joooshuaaa,” Bill sang his name to try and get his attention back, but Josh looked like he had ants in his pants as he squirmed and giggled away. 

“You wanna go jump in the shower? Jordan’s in the main one but you can use the one in your mom and my en-suite if you wanna wash it all off?”  
“I’ll only shower if Ty comes too,” he skipped over to Tyler’s end of the table and grabbed the arms of the chair, pushing it back with a horrible screeching scratching sound of the legs against the floor. 

“Tyler’s eating his dinner,”  
“He doesn’t like crusts,” Josh grabbed the plate and chucked it casually onto the floor, and unsurprisingly it broke into half a dozen pieces. Bill didn’t even react. “You wanna come in the shower with me, don’t you sexy boy?”  
“Josh your dad’s right there,”   
“You’re so fucking hot when you’re in a mood,”  
“I’m not in a mood, I’m tired babe.”  
“Come oonnnn, come have a shower with me, you know you wannaaa, we can get all soapy and I’ll do that thing where I-“  
“Don’t.” Tyler stopped Josh’s hand moving any further up his thigh than it already was. 

“Yep, as supportive as I am of this whole thing, not at the kitchen table thanks boys,” Bill wasn’t really that bothered, but could sense Tyler’s discomfort. “Careful of the smashed plate, but get your butt upstairs and showered Joshua, then come back down and we can have a nice big battle over meds again, then I’ll put you to bed. We got a big day tomorrow.”  
“Tomorrow?”   
“First Saturday of the month, you know what that means. Your day to visit Mom.”  
“Wait, what??? That’s tomorrow??! Oh my god that’s tomorrow! That’s tomorrow!!! I’m gonna, oh, wow, ah, yes, Saturday after Friday, of course!! Of course!!”  
“Mom’s not gonna wanna see a stinky boy. Shower. Now.” Bill pointed to the door with his head and Josh sprinted out the room immediately. 

The pair left behind didn’t say anything for a moment, just looked at each other. 

“My my my, dunno how the Greeks do it,” Bill stood up and walked round to the mess and crouched down with a small groan, picking up the pieces of sharp ceramic. “See nobody sells single white plates, either I gotta buy 6 more now and have far too many, or I gotta wait till he smashes a few more and then restock, meanwhile I won’t have enough.”

“Are you really going to take him to see Laura tomorrow? This is only the beginning of the episode, he’s gonna be worse tomorrow,”  
“He looks forward to it every month. If I start denying him access when he’s sick, he’s gonna make the association that I’m punishing him for something he can’t control. Once I become his opposer, he doesn’t trust me anymore, I’m the enemy, and then I can’t get close enough to protect him.” Bill’s knees cracked as he stood back up again and went over to the trash to chuck away the pieces. 

“Your business is your business. If you’re getting tired of this gig, I’d understand Tyler. All I’ll say is that there’s no way you’ll walk away without hurting him, and if you’re gonna hurt him then I need to be sure that my bond with him is as strong as ever so he doesn’t go completely over the edge, so yes, I’m gonna take him to see his mom.” 

“Do you want me to leave?” Tyler sniffed.   
“I want you to do what feels right. You’ve done a lot for my son, for my family, and for that I will always be grateful. I want my boy to feel as safe and secure as he does with you forever, however I know how much of a toll this can take on someone. You gotta look after you and if that means leaving then we’d understand Tyler, no hard feelings,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your warm comments on the last chapter, I forgot how nice it is to get feedback, so genuinely thank you <3
> 
> Tumblr: anathematrash  
> Twitter: anathemasparks  
> Email for your fan art (ilysm): ao3.maisie@gmail.com


	3. Chapter 3

“I was surprised when you called, we haven’t got coffee in forever,” Maddy admittedly candidly as Tyler brought their tray over and lifted their drinks off it, then disposed of it quickly and sat down. 

“I’ve wanted to catch up for a while, I’ve just been so busy. But this little lady grew up fast, hey?” Tyler felt guilty for barely keeping in contact with his sister, and her daughter in the pushchair next to them had gone from a teeny sleeping bundle to an active toddler who’d already thrown her toy elephant on the floor 3 times. 

“Kids tend to do that, grow.” Maddy replied and for half a second Tyler thought she was seriously pissed at him and was gonna lash out, but her laugh put him at ease. “Just pulling your leg, relax. I know if you had even 30 seconds spare then you would’ve been over to see us, don’t look so stressed,”  
“Sorry,”  
“The important thing is that you’re here now,”   
“Yeh, and I’ve got all morning to talk.” Tyler smiled genuinely at her. 

“So go on then, what’s new? When I told Mom you called, she thought you wanted to lemme know that you and Josh eloped,” she picked up her frothy coffee and sipped from it with a smirk.   
“Ah nothing that exciting I’m afraid,”  
“Josh? He still in the picture?”  
“Yeh yeh, still a couple,”  
“How long’s that been now? A while, no?”  
“Just celebrated 4 years a few weeks back,”  
“He says with a huge smile!” Maddy picked up on his glum expression. “Trouble in paradise?”  
“It’s never been paradise, you and I both know that.”

“He still sick?” She asked gently and Tyler nodded.   
“Yeh, bipolar’s a lifelong condition,”  
“No I know, but they can control it with meds, right? Is he still not properly medicated?”  
“Finding the right meds takes time and dedication, it’s a complicated process that needs complete adherence and diligence, and Josh just refuses to comply in the times when he actually needs the meds most.”  
“So he’s not taking anything at the moment?”  
“He is, but getting him to take any is hours and hours of fighting every day, so we’re nowhere near the point where he can pause and evaluate properly how effectively they’re working for him and if he should swap doses or swap med or whatever, so personally I think he’s on the wrong stuff.”

“Can the doctors not put him on something new?”  
“He’s already had 2 doctors stop working with him because he refuses to play ball, and the current guy dropped the bar to the point where he just has to try and take the current prescription, there’s no plan to change them or anything because Josh can’t give them the feedback they need to make informed decisions.” 

Maddy didn’t say anything, just played with her daughter’s toy to keep her amused. 

“Has he been in the hospital recently?”  
“When did I last see you?” Tyler hated that he had to ask his little sister that.   
“You came to Mom’s house for her birthday, so 4 months? 4 and a half months?”  
“God, it’s slips away so fast. I didn’t mean for it to get this long, I’m sorry, I really am,”  
“Don’t worry Ty,” Maddy reached across and touched his forearm reassuringly, and it meant a lot. 

“We’ve had to take him to the ER a couple of times since then, and then-“  
“For self harm?”  
“Twice for self harm, once cos he was psychotic and being unsafe so it’s better having him somewhere safe,”  
“Course it is,”  
“Then he had a 14 day inpatient admission during his last depressive episode because he was so intensely suicidal that it got dangerous.”  
“I’m sorry Ty,” all she could do was look at him with pity in her eyes, and he shrugged and tried not to get upset. “I know there’s nothing I can say to fix this, but I’m sorry,”

“I’m, I, I’m tired.” He bit his lip and look away, vision swelling with tears. 

“How is he?”  
“Manic,”  
“Where is he now?”   
“With his dad, visiting his mom,”  
“She still in the long term home?”   
“Uh huh,”   
“And his dad can take good care of him?” Maddy checked and he nodded, brushing away the first tear that fell before anybody else in the coffee house noticed. 

“He’s safe, he’s with the people who know him best, you don’t need to worry about him or feel responsible for him in this very moment, so let’s focus on you. How are you?”  
“Um,” he covered his face with both hands and tried to focus on taking deep breaths.   
“Tired? Stressed? Overwhelmed?” She was trying to be helpful, offering up suggestions, but no single word could even begin to summarise the monumental pressure that was pushing down on his shoulder and on his chest and stopping him from being able to breathe. 

“Oh Ty, look at you,” Maddy’s sigh was the straw that broke the camel’s back and he couldn’t hold it off anymore, bursting into sobs. 

“Alright, okay, you’re alright. You just need a break, yeah? And we can make sure you get a break, see if his dad will have him for a couple of days, or maybe his doctor will put him into inpatient treatment - something to give you some respite,” she rushed to be by his side, rubbing his back with one hand and holding his forearm with the other. 

“I c-can’t d-do it a-anymore,”  
“Hey now, don’t be saying that, you can do this, you can,”  
“I can’t!”  
“Don’t say that Ty, don’t give up on Josh. You love him and I know it’s hard sometimes but you can’t give up on him,”  
“Wh-what if I d-don’t?”   
“What if you don’t what?” Maddy asked quietly.   
“What if I d-dont love h-him?”  
“Oh, come on Ty, you’re so in love with that man, it’s actually sickening at times. You two are adorable,”

Sniffling and sobbing at the same time as he attempted to calm down, Tyler wiped his snotty nose on his sleeve and tried his best to speak the words that had been plaguing his mind for weeks. 

“I d-don’t think I l-love him e-enough to do this a-anymore.”  
“You’re stuck in a dark place because you’re tired, but once his episode ends and you can rest, you’ll remember why this is all worth it,”  
“N-no, no, it’s n-not like th-that,”  
“You don’t think I understand? Ty there have been so many times, more times than I’m willing to admit, when Mia has had me up all night, screaming and crying, and I felt like the worst mother in the world and like I wasn’t good enough and it was all too hard and I didn’t wanna do it anymore, but you know what happened every single time? She stopped crying, I calmed down, and life went on. I love her more than anything and she’s no doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I just needed the space to realise that. Give yourself the time and space to realise how much you love and need Josh.”

“It’s d-different. He’s not my b-baby, he’s my b-boyfriend. He’s, h-he’s, he’s supposed to be th-there for me t-too.”  
“Right now he’s too sick to be there for you, I know, but he’ll get better and then-“  
“He’s n-not gonna get b-better, it’s always g-gonna be like th-this,”  
“No, give him more credit than that, have more hope than that, he is gonna get better.”  
“No he won’t Maddy!!” Tyler snapped louder than he meant to. 

Obviously the whole place was already staring at him as he cried, but now they didn’t even try to hide it, gawking at him rudely. 

“He d-doesn’t try with h-his m-meds, years of therapy hasn’t changed a-anything, the e-episodes are getting w-worse, and he’s only g-gonna end up in a home l-like his mom.”  
“Don’t talk about him like that, like he’s some lost cause that you’re wasting your time on. He is your boyfriend, have some more respect Tyler.” She was surprisingly protective of his partner. “I know this is hard on you but imagine how hard this must be on him, and how much worse it must be to have a boyfriend who talks about him like this behind his back.”

“You d-don’t get it.”  
“I get that you’re overtired,”  
“It’s m-more than tired, I am dr-drained and burnt out and f-fundamentally unhappy!”  
“I’m sorry you’re unhappy but I just don’t think you should be making major decisions about your relationship status whilst your other half is severely unwell, it seems a little under the belt.”  
“Y-you’re thinking a-about him!! What about m-me??”  
“He needs people to think about him, he needs advocating for and defending because he isn’t well enough to do it himself. Of course I’m thinking of you and I can see how much it’s hurting you to see how sick he is, but the solution isn’t to say you don’t love him and to walk away, it’s to work on this Tyler. Get him better help, don’t abandon him.” 

“I-I’m not a-abandoning him, I, I’m pri-prioritising me for the f-first time in y-years,”   
“If you be selfish and prioritise you, you know what will happen? You’ll go on to have a great career and make loads of money and be very successful, meanwhile Josh will fall to pieces and probably never find his feet again. Is that fair?”  
“W-why’s it f-fair that I h-have to sacrifice my h-happiness for h-him?”  
“Because this is just a phase you’re in Ty, you’ll feel better in a few days I’m sure,”  
“It’s n-not a phase.”  
“You don’t know that, you’ve gotta stick it out a while longer,”  
“I’ve b-been unh-happy for months! It, it, it d-doesn’t make a difference w-whether he’s m-manic or low or m-mixed or f-fine, I’m still m-miserable, and I d-don’t l-love him e-enough to k-keep g-going.”

“If you’ve been miserable for months, why didn’t you say something sooner?” Maddy relaxed off her line of attack slightly.   
“I’m h-his world. You’re r-right, if I w-walk away then he c-crum-crumbles. I wanted to be s-sure before I s-said anything,” he whimpered.   
“So what are you going to do?”  
“There’s n-nothing I c-can do!! I’m t-trapped!”

“If you break up with him, will he kill himself?” She stroked his hair back out of his face.   
“I d-don’t kn-know, and I’m t-too scared to f-find out,”  
“Gah, rock and a hard place, hey?”

There was nothing she could do to fix it but Tyler wished his sister could pull a miracle out of thin air and solve everything for him right then and now. Instead he was left with ugly reality. 

“You’re no good to him if you’re on the brink of a breakdown yourself, you can’t carry on like this, that much is clear. However not carrying on like this isn’t synonymous with breaking up, there’s gotta be some intermediary stage.”  
“L-like wh-what?”  
“I know I already said it but can you see about some kind of respite? Have him move in with his dad again for a while?”  
“Then wh-what? Then he c-comes b-back? What if I d-don’t w-want him b-back??”  
“Let’s take it one step at a time Ty, don’t get ahead of yourself. I think maybe you’ve talked yourself into a corner and convinced yourself that this relationship is doomed, but I honestly think some space would do you the world of good.” 

“I j-just,” he had the hiccups. “I fe-feel like I c-can’t talk to a-anybody about it,”  
“You can talk to me,” Madison offered sweetly but Tyler knew she would never truly grasp the complexity of feeling so caged in and responsible all the time. “I’m really glad you’re talking to me Ty, you needed this for a long time, I can tell.” 

“I feel l-like e-everyone is g-gonna judge me f-for l-leaving him bec-cause of his bipolar,”   
“If, and that’s a big if, but if you do break up, you don’t have to tell people why. I think people will admire you for everything you’ve done for him over the last 4 years, and those assholes who think they can comment on something like that can shut up. They don’t matter,”

“I, um,” he hesitated admitting it. “Y-you know, I, I, it, uh, it’s got t-to the p-point where I d-dr-dread g-going h-home?”  
“You dread going home to him?”  
“Y-yeh,” Tyler couldn’t look her in the eye.   
“Do you think that’s because you still care about him and that gets you worried? Like you’re scared of coming home to something really bad?”  
“H-honestly? N-no, I, I f-find him a-annoying,”  
“Annoying,” she nodded slowly, echoing the insult.   
“It’s n-not his f-fault, but everything he d-does, it, it, gah, it m-makes life h-harder for me, and I’m tired of t-things being h-hard all the time.”

“Do you want me to call Josh’s dad for you? Tell him you need Josh to go back and stay with him for the near future?”  
“I can d-do it,”  
“Good, because you need to change something or else you’re gonna end up sick too.” 

“Here, look what I found right in the back of the cupboard?”  
“Oh wow, are, are they my covers from before I went to college?”   
“Sure are,” she passed across the familiar grey linen with its thin black stripes and Tyler couldn’t help stroking the fabric fondly with the back of his hand, yearning for those simpler days. 

“Lost my virginity on these sheets.”  
“Tyler!” She took a sharp breath in, “I thought you were 19!”  
“19 my first time with a dude, but nah, Betty Myers, 10th grade, first and last girl I ever slept with.”  
“Betty? That sweet thing with bottle cap glasses from church?”  
“That’s the one, Jesus, it was so bad it turned me gay.”  
“Gah you and your siblings are gonna send me and your father to an early grave I swear,” Mom chuckled, shaking her head disapprovingly. 

She leant against the dresser as Tyler started unfolding the sheet and stretching it over the mattress of the spare bed. 

“Thanks for letting me stay here tonight Mom,”  
“Not just tonight, as long as you need, okay? As long as you need,”  
“I’ll go home tomorrow, I just, I, I need a break to get my head straight,”  
“Maddy told me what you were saying earlier and I’m not so sure going back to him tomorrow is a good idea love. If you’re saying you need a break, take a proper break,”  
“I need a good night’s sleep, that’s all,” Tyler didn’t look at her, knowing he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together, as he turned the duvet cover inside out and threaded his arms through to the corners, grabbing hold of them and the duvet and beginning to shake them the right way round. 

“Lemme help,” Mom took one corner and joined him, shaking till the cover reached the bottom and then helping him lift it up onto the bed. 

“Ty,”  
“Mmm?” He grabbed the pillow and started shoving it in the pillowcase.   
“Ty, look at me,” she said more pressingly and so he did, instantly seeing the pity in her soft eyes. 

He wasn’t going to cry again. He wasn’t going to cry again. 

“I love you,”  
“I love you too Mom, but Josh-“  
“No, listen to me, I love you and I haven’t seen you in months and months and months. I love you and you haven’t called me in weeks and weeks and weeks. I love you and I feel like haven’t connected with you, properly connected with you, in years. Years and years and years. You’re my baby boy and as much as I tell myself that this is all part of my children growing up and flying the nest, deep down I’ve always known this isn’t right, Ty, this isn’t healthy. You’ve thrown yourself into this relationship with Josh and forgotten about you, and I am so so incredibly proud that today you’ve finally said enough is enough.”

“I haven’t said that, I, I haven’t, I wouldn’t, he’s, um, I, I just wouldn’t.”   
“Maddy said-“  
“Maddy has no idea what she’s talking about!” Tyler snapped. “We had coffee, that’s, that’s it, we had one coffee and now she thinks she understands my 4 year relationship and my boyfriend’s 3 decade long struggle with his mental health and she fucking doesn’t!”

Tyler tossed the pillow towards the head of the bed with a hefty sigh, then sat down on it and cradled his head in his hands. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”  
“No,” he squeaked.   
“Do you want me to talk out loud about my opinion and perspective on it?”  
“No,”  
“Do you want me to hold you whilst you cry?”  
“No,” Tyler lied. 

“All I want is what’s best for you, no matter what shape or form that takes. I’ve been proud of you your whole life, you make me proud every single day, I was proud of you the day you were brave enough to come out to us, I was proud of you the day you first introduced us to Josh, I was proud of you when you opened up about his bipolar, and I’ll be proud of you if you choose to close this chapter of your life and move onto the next. I’ll always be proud of you, you hear me Tyler? Don’t let your fear of other people’s opinions and expectations dictate how you live your life.”

“I don’t know who I am without him,” Tyler whispered, the first silent tear falling with gravity.   
“You get to choose. You get to reinvent yourself. You get to become whoever you want. Currently you’re trapped,”  
“What if I can’t do it Mom? What if I can’t hack life on my own?”  
“You can, you’re brilliant and competent and absolutely equipped for taking the world on single handedly, but if you have a wobble then you can trust me to have your back. It might be weird, it might be tricky, it might take some getting used to, but again you can’t let that keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship Ty.”

“I’d rather be unhappy than be single and Josh be dead.”  
“If he’s using the threat of suicide to keep you-“  
“He’s not using.. what?? No, no, he’s not, it’s not like that, he’s not forcing me to do anything Mom, he’s not choosing any of this or intentionally manipulating me or anything like that, he’s sick. That’s it, that’s all it is, he’s sick.”

“We have to consider the reality that he probably won’t get better,”  
“Which is something I knew when I agreed to get serious with him. It’s, it’s really not fair to now spin around and say I’ve changed my mind and I can’t cope anymore,”   
“But you can’t cope,”  
“I’m gonna have to!”

“Tyler, sweetheart-“  
“He’s not well, I’m not allowed to use that against him,”  
“Not the presence of his conditions, no, but you are definitely allowed to hold him responsible for engaging with his treatment program, which we both know he’s spent his entire life resisting. How can it be your job to look after him if he won’t even look after himself? He has a duty to you and to his entire family to be working as hard as he can to stabilise, and instead he’s avoiding and evading every chance of progress that he can and is relying on you to keep him safe. You can’t keep picking up the pieces Tyler,”

“You don’t know him,” the tears were scolding.   
“Of course I do, he’s like a son to me,”  
“You haven’t seen him in months, you don’t know him Mom, how dare you say all that shit about him.. avoiding and evading? How about you shut your mouth?!”  
“Tyler!”  
“No I’m sorry but you know jackshit about him and his treatment, you’ve got no idea how fucking terrified he is all the time, how scared he gets when he can feel himself losing control, how many times he’s hysterical with fear whenever he’s well enough to comprehend who he becomes when he’s not himself. He is trying his best, okay? He’s trying his fucking best and it’s not up to you to decide whether he’s worthy of my effort or not, alright? He’s sick and he’s scared and every month like clockwork he comes back from visiting his mom and he has a fucking huge breakdown and is utterly inconsolable as he’s overwhelmed by the realisation of how bad he can get, because he's petrified. He’s terrified and right now you can bet he’s despairing and utterly distraught because not only as he gone to see his mom, but he’s come back to realise I’m gone. I’m sat here feeling sorry for myself because my boss is an asshole, and my boyfriend is across town needing me. It’s not right Mom, it’s not right, I, I’ve got to go to him,”


	4. Chapter 4

“Come on son, that’s enough now,”  
“NO!”  
“Josh, what did we say? We’d play 10 hands and then pack it up, we’ve done 12 now and I’m calling it a day, so let’s-“  
“No no no no NO! DEAL AGAIN! I’M GONNA GET IT THIS TIME! AGAIN!”  
“Here now boy, listen, we’re done with poker which means we can do something else, what was it you were saying earlier?? You wanted to go to the laser tag place downtown, didn’t you, and that will be open now. We can do that next if you’d like, how does that sound?”

Tyler let himself into Bill’s house and could instantly hear the father and son booming away in the front room, and he wasn’t surprised in the slightest. In fact he was surprised he couldn’t hear them from his car - Josh had no awareness or control of his volume when he got manic, just the same way as he lacked awareness or control of any of it. Tyler didn’t flinch. 

“I DON’T WANT TO PLAY LASER TAG, GOD TOLD ME I HAVE TO PLAY POKER!”  
“Well what does God have to say about you maybe having some breakfast? The big man okay with that?”  
“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”  
“Why don’t you have a think about it and I’ll get started on some eggs and bacon?”  
“I want pancakes!”  
“You can have pancakes Josh,”  
“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

“Take a deep breath, let go of your hair for me, and try to feel your feet on the floor. You’re okay, we’re gonna have some breakfast together, and then we ca-“  
“LASER TAG!” Josh suddenly shouted in a far less aggressive and way more excited tone.   
“Then we can play laser tag, that’s exactly it kiddo,”

Bill spoke so comfortably and Tyler envied his ease around Josh’s worsening state. He was well versed in the theories of mental health but everything he said sounded so organic, whereas Tyler sometimes felt like he was reciting pamphlets rather than actually helping his boyfriend. 

“Hey,” Bill whispered near silently, waving when he saw him in the hallway whilst on route to the kitchen, Tyler standing holding his coat awkwardly. “Saying hey or staying hidden?”  
“I’ll say hey please, if that’s okay?”  
“Course,” the older man nodded fondly. “Joshua! Guest for you!”

His footsteps stormed across the house and within a flash Josh was there, standing right in front of him, and he looked like shit. Clearly another night of sleep had been missed and Tyler suspected he’d gone on an early morning run because his hair was all sweaty, and most noticeably there was a big white dressing on his left wrist. 

Fuck. 

“Hey babe,” Tyler started the conversation somewhat hesitantly, Bill standing back to give them a fraction of space.   
“What the FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??” He immediately lunged at him and Tyler had to dip out of the way.   
“It means I don’t know how to start this conversation but I’m sorry, and, uh, and I love you,”  
“I LOVE YOU TOO!” Josh giddily jumped on him with his full weight, clinging like a monkey to a tree. 

Tyler was taken aback for a moment but quickly wrapped his arms around Josh and hugged him tight in return, feeling his boyfriend’s heart hammering against his chest. He wanted to feel relieved that things had resumed so seemingly seamlessly, however the weight of holding Josh up quickly became too much of a burden to bear and he had to force him to let go. 

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Josh cupped Tyler’s cheeks and kissed his face in a different place between each repetition. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,”  
“I love you too J,”  
“I love you!” He squealed excitedly and Tyler put on a smile. 

“You wanna join us for pancakes Ty?” Bill probed gently from across the hall.   
“Pl-“  
“I DON’T FUCKING WANT PANCAKES!”  
“You can have eggs and bacon then mister,”  
“I want croissants! And melon! And and and and and toast and a hash brown and toast with butter and a hash brown and melon and, do we still have that yellow wallpaper from our old house, and I don’t fucking WANT PANCAKES ALRIGHT?!”  
“I’ve got a day old bear claw as the only pastry I can offer, no melon but we’ve got oranges and apples and bananas, you can have buttery toast on white or multigrain, there’s hash browns in the freezer, the yellow wallpaper is still in the old house, and if you don’t want pancakes then you don’t have to have them son,” Bill was able to remember every single point and address them all as the group walked through to the open plan kitchen. 

Tyler sat down at the breakfast bar but he could tell Josh’s skin was itching and buzzing too much for him to be able to sit down for even a moment. Instead he paced haphazardly, flicking between scratching his head and tugging his shirt and touching the counters incessantly. It made Tyler dizzy to watch. 

“I think the grand total is 3 in the last 72,” Bill discretely muttered the updates regarding Josh’s sleep schedule when he opened the fridge, and honestly Tyler was impressed he’d even slept at all. 

“Uhhhh, uh Tyler?”  
“Yes darling?” He looked over to Josh, who’d found a whisk in one of the drawers and was drumming it against one of the low hanging lights over the island; the sound was grating.   
“TYLER!”  
“Yes sweetness?”  
“God’s been speaking to me again!”  
“What’s He been saying? Anything interesting?”  
“I, I want melon Dad!”  
“Apples, oranges or bananas, your pick kiddo,”  
“MELON! God told me to play poker, and Dad and I are going to play laser tag, and buy a dog and I’m gonna teach the dog to speak Spanish!”

Tyler nodded tiredly, playing with his nails. 

“I taught that squirrel Mandarin, didn’t I Dad? Didn’t I? DIDN'T I?!”  
“You certainly had a good crack at it,” the father nodded along whilst placing strips of bacon into the pan.   
“I did a painting Ty, I did a painting and you need to see it soon or else you won’t get to see it soon because they’re going to be here soon take it away to the Louvre soon and you’re not going to see it soon so make sure you see it soon,”  
“I’ll check it out after breakfast bubba,” he yawned.   
“Josh, champ, Tyler doesn’t want to see your painting,”  
“No no, I don’t mind, I love to see your art,” Tyler didn’t want to risk upsetting his unstable partner. 

Bill gave him a glance. He didn’t know what that meant. 

“God sent me inspiration, boosted my creativity beyond any other human being ever so I’m entirely and completely unique and nobody will ever be able to recreate what I’ve already created and also make sure there’s melon Dad and I’m the only person capable of this degree of expertise in my own field of art and the clock is really fast today and God sent me inspiration and He told me to use the inspiration as inspiration for my creation and I did, I did Ty, I used all the bad things Mom said yesterday and I used the fact you didn’t want me at home with you yesterday and normally I’d use it for a bad thing but God told me to be creative and so I did as God told me and I was creative and I was artistic and I am artistic and soon the people will be here from the Louvre to take me to the Louvre so quick, quick, quick look first Ty!”  
“Joshua William, do not touch that dressing.” Bill said sternly and suddenly everything clicked. 

Josh had cut himself and he thought of it as art. The wound was his art, and Tyler was its inspiration. 

“Just look what I-“  
“Joshua,” his father abandoned his cooking and rushed to stop him beginning to peel back the massive bandaid, covering it with his hands firmly, Josh already beginning to struggle and whimper as he resisted. “We fought each other for 3 hours to get these wounds covered up last night, do not, I repeat, do not take this dressing off.”  
“TYLER WANTS TO SEE MY ART!”  
“I, I can imagine instead,”  
“He’ll see the scars once it heals, he doesn’t need to see it fresh, but don’t think about Tyler right now, think about you. Think about your feet on the floor and your hand on that whisk, think about my hand on your arm and your head in the sky; think about where you are, ground yourself, place yourself, hear yourself. You’re safe, you’re calm, you’re loved. Just breathe,”

For a long time Tyler had been writing down those simple statements that Bill could reel off so casually and ground Josh with so easily, but reciting them to his boyfriend never had any effect. Soon enough he had realised that they were statements Bill once said to his wife, Josh’s mom, when she was living at home and getting agitated. Whilst the words were important, they were also special to Josh because he’d grown up hearing them come from his father’s mouth years and years before he’d even started showing symptoms himself. It was a system that was deeply embedded in their father-son bond, and Tyler trying to copy him would never hold that same weight. 

Instead he had to come up with his own system to manage Josh, and after 4 years he still felt like he was desperately scrambling for a scrap of something, anything, that would potentially soothe him even momentarily. He felt like he was always losing the battle to keep him steady, and for that he felt immensely guilty. 

“God said I had to do it Ty, I didn’t want to, God said I had to because of Mom being really bad and you not wanting me anymore,”  
“I still want you Josh, of course I do,”  
“God still said I had to,”

  
“I am absolutely knackered,” Bill sat down next to Tyler with a big sigh, immediately sipping from his mug of coffee.   
“I can take night shift tonight, let you get some decent rest in,” Tyler offered.   
“Oh don’t worry about that, Ashley’s already offered to see him through till morning, plus I’m hoping he’ll actually get some kip in as well,”  
“Ashley offered?”  
“Yep,”  
“Did she really? Or did you call in a request?”  
“Tomato tomato,” he shrugged with his typical gentle smile, then was more forthcoming in his honesty. “Part of me thought you might not be coming back,”  
“Part of me thought the same,”

Ashley had her brother out on the front lawn, playing some version of tennis that didn’t include a net but did involve Josh running around like crazy. The manic energy wasn’t something that could be burnt out, he wouldn’t end his episode by exercising, however exercise kept him somewhat entertained and that lowered the risk of him spiralling. 

Whilst the siblings played outside, Tyler and Bill watched from the couch by the big bay window, the older sipping his drink and the younger picking his fingers. 

“It’s your life, your relationship, your decision, so I shouldn’t have any influence really. All I ask is if you’re gonna cut the cord, cut it cleanly. Sever the thing and walk away, because I can explain that to him. I’m not so sure I’ll be able to keep him regulated and steady with some kind of routine if you are popping back on the scene every so often and then disappearing again. Do you understand what I’m saying?”  
“If I’m gonna break him, don’t drag it out.”  
“More or less,” Bill nodded. 

“This time yesterday I was going to do it, I, I was done, I was ready to call it a day. Then a couple hours later I couldn’t imagine even saying anything like that, let alone actually going though with ending it. I, I want to have an answer for you, to give you some kind of insight or basis to forwards plan from, but I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Sorry,”  
“Don’t apologise kid, there’s no need to apologise, none at all,”

Bill slurped from his drink again. 

“Was she bad yesterday?”  
“The symptoms of her condition were strong, she was amazing,”

Translation, Laura was far from her best. 

“They butt heads?”  
“Oh constantly, just constantly. She’s up at the moment, he’s climbing at the moment, stick the pair of ‘em in an enclosed space and you’ve got yourselves a riot. At one point they were both simultaneously claiming to be receiving the word of God and Josh almost attacked her when she said God’s voice sounds like Christopher Lee because according to Josh He sounds more like Christopher Walker. But, um, but having them together side by side only highlights their similarities really and she’s the love of my life so it’s special getting to find pieces of her within others,”  
“Yeh,”

“We knew it wouldn’t be pretty, his visits never are, but they’re important. They’re important to Laura, to Josh, to me, to our whole family, and I would happily spend the entire time putting out fires if that’s what it takes for him to get some quality time with his Momma,”  
“He looks forward to it every month,”   
“Exactly,”

Josh was shouting at Ashley and although he couldn’t quite make out the words, he could feel the vibrations buzzing through the window. 

“Did you ever think about leaving Laura?”  
“No,”  
“Even with how sick she is?”  
“She was a lot more stable in her youth, took a lot more meds which kept her healthy enough to be herself within the sways. Occasionally she’d have a really strong episode but my first reaction was always to protect her, be by her side. Once she got pregnant with Josh, the decision was made to strip back a lot of her meds to protect him, and that continued as she breastfed him, then just when we were at a safe point to resume medication, she got pregnant with Ash. That went on and on for 4 of these stinky kids, by which point things had slipped a lot and even though she was and she is a great mother, things became a lot harder. We both know how tricky it is to keep Josh steady when he’s this fizzy, now try doing it with 4 kids under 10,”

Tyler couldn’t begin to comprehend how Bill coped with it all. He himself wasn’t even close to coping. 

“There were times when I was very aware of the need for change, but it would be things like sending the kids to stay with Granny for a week so she could have some time to get back on track, or occasionally I’d have to get her admitted for a few days, or smaller changes like getting her to see a therapist more often or increase the number of visits we had from the community psych nurse, things like that, but I never considered leaving her.”

“I just don’t know what else I can do for him,” Tyler watched Josh sadly.   
“He’s different to his mom in that he resists treatment a lot more. Laura’s always had some level of awareness that she needs support, whether that be meds or specific schedules or therapies or even hospitalisation, whereas Josh would sooner crap in his hands and clap than actually comply or engage in his treatment, and that’s not your fault,”

“Why’s it not my fault though Bill?”  
“What do you mean son?”  
“Why am I being treated as blameless when I’m a huge part of his life? Surely if I found a way to make treatment seem appealing then that would have some positive impact on him, but no, all I can do is try and force him and inevitably fail and turn to you,”   
“You can’t force him to do anything Ty, this doesn’t work like that,”

“Every day I hear this voice, what more could you be doing for him?”  
“Mmm,”  
“When it first started it was motivating for me, you know? Like it pushed me to be a better boyfriend and to become better educated on bipolar and more creative and innovative and eager to help, and maybe you guys couldn’t tell but for a long while I was putting so much energy into his recovery,”  
“We noticed Ty, of course we noticed, that was back when you made those massive colourful mood tracking boards and encouraged him to join you in doing that mega healthy diet and did all those meditation classes with him, right? Plus all those mindfulness exercises you weaved into his day, and the journaling and the exercise bike and the evening walks, and a million other things you were doing that I probably never even heard about. We knew.”

“I was spending hours every day doing research into things that might make a difference and trying to get him invested and hopeful in them, and every single one failed. Every single one.”  
“I wouldn’t say they failed.”  
“I would,”

“I suppose it depends where you’re setting your expectations. If you thought those strategies were going to completely eradicate his symptoms then you were setting yourself up to fail, he’s got bipolar and no matter what we do kiddo, he will always have bipolar.”  
“Yeah,” Tyler couldn’t help the sigh.   
“If, on the other hand, you were hoping to make even a tiny dent in the load that label puts on him, then you absolutely achieved that Tyler. An improvement of 0.001% is still an improvement.”

“I know I shouldn’t be thinking of myself but to me, I was putting in so much effort, not just physically but emotionally, I was investing so much into those strategies and I got nothing back. Maybe he did feel 0.001% better, but that didn’t trickle back to me. I still had to have all the same fights with him about meds and sleep and meals, I still had to wash him and dress him on the low days, had to patch up the wounds and pick up the pieces. All that energy and nothing changed, so now when I hear that voice, the voice that asks me what more I can do for him, now I get the urge to tell it to go fuck itself. I’m frustrated, any motivation has gone, I’m frustrated and angry and tired because it feels like the answer is nothing, I’m angry because I want there to be something and there’s just not, and I hate feeling like I’m giving up on him but I’m out of ideas and I’m out of energy.”

Bill didn’t respond immediately, taking his time, watching his eldest two and their game of non-tennis tennis. 

“You’re wrong,”  
“I’m, I’m wrong?”   
“On multiple counts; first about there being nothing we can do, there’s always more we can do, but secondly and arguably most importantly, you were wrong when you said ‘I know I shouldn’t be thinking of myself’ - you absolutely should be thinking of yourself,”  
“You know what I mean Bill,”  
“I think that was a perfect example of you accidentally saying the truth, which is you’ve devoted so much of the last 4 years to Josh that you’ve completely forgotten to look after yourself. Should Josh be doing more to look after you? Absolutely yes. Is he able to? I’m not sure he is, and is that fair? No. The question is, are you able to sustain a relationship with such significant inequalities in a way that is healthy for you both; are you able to promote your own wellbeing whilst also reserving large amounts of energy for caring about Josh and also managing your expectations so you don’t grow to resent him? Because if the answer is no, I think maybe now would be a good time to consider taking some actions to address that.”


	5. Chapter 5

_18 months later_

“Do you think we need that much space though? Like just being real, this looks like my dream place but it’s not worth plunging ourselves into debt for; I’d rather find somewhere smaller and save up for a house of our own someday than blow it on rent now.”  
“We’re beyond Hayward Avenue though so price per square foot is gonna be way down verses where we are now. Obviously we’ll have to wait for the valuation to come through but I’ll be shocked if they’re asking anymore than 850 a month, 900 at a push,”  
“And you think you can work that down?”  
“Come on babe, gimme some credit, this is what I do - I’ll have you that apartment for 750, parking and utilities included, pet fees waived, keys in your hand by Christmas.”  
“My god, you realised you have never sounded hotter, right? Confident realtor Tyler is fuckin sexy.” 

Tyler couldn’t help chuckling a little down the phone. 

“What, you don’t wanna talk dirty to me?”  
“You-know-who is right next door, knowing my luck she’ll walk in,”  
“Eugh, Victoria can GET FUCKED!”   
“Toby!”  
“What?? She can’t hear me! I’m the other side of Columbus! And even if she can, so FRICKIN WHAT? She’s a bitchy witchy and in 2 weeks you’ll never have to deal with her stupid ass again!” His boyfriend cried out jubilantly and Tyler immediately broke into a smile in his office, phone pressed to his cheek. 

“2 weeks, gah,”  
“2 more weeks babycakes, then your sexy ass is outta there,”  
“Feels like my entire life has been spent chained to this desk and now finally I get to walk away and I’m not quite sure I can fully believe it,”  
“Oh you better not be getting sentimental now mister, that bitch has manipulated you for years and years and you finally taking the stance to call it quits has been the healthiest decision you’ve made in years, and I am so incredibly proud of you.”  
“I’m proud of me too, and for the record, this is the second healthiest decision I’ve made in the past 2 years,”  
“Second healthiest, I’ll cheers to that,”

He didn’t need to spell out the other radical act of self care for Toby, his boyfriend had already heard more than enough about his ex. 

“You really gonna get this apartment for us Ty?” Toby’s voice had an adorable softness to it.   
“I’m gonna fight tooth and nail for it, and we’ll be in by Christmas, I promise you.”  
“I can picture it already, us wearing matching Christmas PJs, Crouton in his Christmas collar, with our stockings hanging on that mantle piece in the living room and a tree slotted perfectly next to the french doors - it’s gonna be the best Christmas yet,”  
“Garland’s running along the coving,”  
“And bauble’s in each pane of the Georgian windows, and your mom’s bunting hanging over the headboard,”   
“And a poinsettia centrepiece for the island,” Tyler’s grin was getting away from him.   
“Gah, Instagram’s not gonna know what’s hit ‘em when our new-apartment-Christmas-photoshoot drops,”  
“Mission Break The Internet is go,”

“I love you Tyler,”  
“I love you too, so much.”  
“I’m so excited to spend the rest of forever with you,”  
“That sounds pretty great to me too,”

“Tonight, do you want to try that new Thai place that opened over on-“  
“Tyler,” Victoria walked out of her office and over to his desk, looming over him.   
“Wonderful to hear sir, I’ll note that you’re interested and I’ll get back to you once we have more information to pass on,”  
“Is Victoria there?” Toby guessed.   
“Yes, that’s correct,”  
“Hey bitchy witchy,”  
“Ah yes, you and I are in agreement there sir,” Tyler had to resist a smile, “thank you so much for getting in touch with Victoria Hawkes Realty today, I’ve been Tyler, and if you have any other questions or queries then please do call back. If not then you’ll hear from me by the end of the week regarding this property, and I look forward to speaking to you again,”  
“Bye babe,”  
“Goodbye,” 

He put the phone back in the base and put on his fakest smile for his boss. 

“You just go right ahead and forward any interested clients to Daisy,”  
“I can manage it,”  
“I don’t think you’re hearing me Tyler, I said give those details to Daisy, she can take it from here,”  
“It’s a simple inquiry into the 2 bedroom apartment on Talbot-“  
“You mean the apartment that hasn’t been put up on the website yet? Now how on earth did they hear about that, hmm?” Victoria raised her eyebrows, an impressive feat with the amount of Botox in her forehead. 

“Word of mouth, they knew the old tenants and wanted to get in there early,”  
“Sure sure sure, and I suppose this has nothing to do with the fact you and your little boyfriend are in the market for a 2 bed in that area?”  
“What if it did?” He knew a wiser man would back down, but with 2 weeks left, Tyler was bored of always bowing down to the woman. 

“You may have handed in your notice, but until 5pm next Friday, you are still my employee Tyler and I can still make your life Hell,”  
“Oh I am well aware Victoria, well aware.” He sat there, not flinching, and could see her blood boiling. 

“You need to go get lunch.”  
“Offering me an early lunch break? Honestly, it’s true what they say, you are getting softer with age.” Tyler knew that was a step too far, but didn’t really care.   
“You really are a piece of work and I can’t wait to see the back of you, now, unless you want the whole office to starve, I suggest you start taking lunch orders.”

“Then last but not least, a Reuben with thousand island rather than Russian, heavy on the beef,”  
“You got it, gimme 10 to get that all together for you, feel free to take a seat and I’ll shout when I’m ready,”  
“Muchas gracias,” Tyler smiled at the short girl behind the counter then wandered over to the table in the corner. 

He liked the deli, during his time with Victoria he’d eaten every combination of every sandwich at least a hundred times, but he still liked it there. Could he imagine himself ever walking back into the shop, with its twinkly wind charms sounding at every opening of the door, after next Friday? Absolutely not. 

Toby was right, now wasn’t the time to start getting sentimental. If he searched hard enough then he could probably find small aspects of his job that he would miss, like the sandwiches and the salary and the, uh, shit, maybe that was it. 

He supposed there was another benefit to the job and that was the sense of safety - as much as he complained about being trapped under Victoria’s wing, it also kept him sheltered; he never had the pressure of going out on his own and potentially messing up. When there was so many other stressful expectations set on his shoulders from other aspects of his life, at times the lack of challenge had been a welcome aspect to his career. 

Without challenge there would be no change though, and Tyler had been in desperate need of change. Even though it scared the crap out of him, he had to be brave and step outside his comfort zone, he had to chase the thrill that had attracted him to real estate in the first place, and he had to make a leap of faith. Handing in his notice was the second best thing he’d ever done. 

There was security in the known, but very little else. 

He knew other people believed in the grass always being greener, but for Tyler it had always been the sensible logical thing to do, staying in a survivable situation, because what if things were worse on the other side? That’s what kept him tethered to Victoria, and tethered to Josh. What if things were worse without them?

It was only once Tyler realised he had found himself at rock bottom that he considered it would be impossible for things to get any worse. 

From inside the bubble he had no perspective, he couldn’t truly comprehend how unhappy he was and consequently how unhappy he was making Josh and how they’d become trapped in a cycle of dependency and manipulation. Neither of them were necessarily at fault, but staying in a relationship out of fear the other would kill themselves was about as unhealthy as it could get. The bubble popping and the truth that subsequently came raining down on Tyler hadn’t been easy to swallow, he’d been paralysed with fear for far longer than he was proud of, but finally taking a stand and walking away was the best thing he’d ever done. 

The wind chimes rattled tunelessly and Tyler looked over out of instinct. 

“Hey, uhhhh, can I please get, hmm,” the man with the curly brown hair looked up at the menu board. “Turkey and ham with all the veg you can fit, oh, and chuck in some Swiss as well?”  
“Certainly, and on what bread?”  
“Whatever, not fussed,”  
“Alright sir, I’m afraid we’ve just had a large order come through and it’s just me today so there will be a slight delay but-“  
“You can do his first,” Tyler called out, and both Josh and the server looked at him, the former staring. “Pause my order and make his next, I don’t mind,”  
“You sure?” His ex checked.   
“Yeah, go ahead, I don’t mind,”  
“Thank you for your cooperation sir,”  
“Yeah, thanks Ty,” Josh smiled and Tyler held eye contact for a second, then looked away. 

He was surprised he wasn’t panicking more. This was the first time he’d seen Josh since that day, 18 months ago, when the unwell man had been sobbing on the floor, begging hysterically for Tyler to stay. He looked a lot better. 

Tyler supposed he wasn’t panicking because in fact he was relieved, he was relieved Josh was still alive. For a while after the break up, the Duns had been sending him small updates, letting him know how Josh was coping, but after a few weeks they started tapering off, and he hadn’t heard from any of them in over a year. Toby was always telling him that no news was good news and distance was good for everyone, however finally getting to see Josh in person put to bed all those worries at long last. He looked better. 

“Feeling extra hungry or..?”  
“I’m pretty hungry but not quite 11 sub hungry,” Tyler smiled as Josh approached him, unwrapping his sandwich and taking a big bite. “I’m on a Victoria run, it’s for the whole office,”  
“You still working for her?” He mumbled food in his mouth.  
“Not for much longer, 2 weeks and I’m outta there,”  
“Oh wow, so you finally got her signature? Bout time!”  
“Nah, I wish, she’s still holding that over me, but I said enough is enough and handed in my notice, I’ve been messed around for too long and I’m not having it anymore,”  
“Good for you,” Josh held up his hand and Tyler somewhat awkwardly high-fived him. 

“You mind if I join?”  
“Go ahead,” Tyler kicked out a chair for him and Josh put his bottle of Pepsi Max on the table and took another huge mouthful whilst sitting down. 

“You look good Josh,” he said meaningfully.   
“I feel good,”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah,” he nodded, grabbing two napkins from the box between them and creating a makeshift plate to lay his sandwich down on. 

“Just got out of hospital, been out about 7 or 8 weeks now and I mean, Dad trusted me to go get lunch by myself today so that’s gotta be a good sign, right?”  
“Sounds like a great sign Josh,” Tyler meant it genuinely. “I’m sorry you had to get admitted though, I know that’s tough,”  
“No it’s okay, it was voluntary this time, I, uh, I actually pushed for it,”  
“You did?”  
“Yeah, I’m trying really hard to be more self aware now, I, uh, you might hate me for this-“  
“I won’t,”  
“Well I actually started using a mood tracker, like that one you tried to get me to use and we used to fight about all the time, well, yeh, I came around in the end and I’ve started using one and it’s been really good, really helpful, and I’ve been doing loads of other stuff as well but I just noticed on my tracker that I was starting to swing and it felt like a big one. I spoke to my dad and, oh yeah you don’t know, but my mom’s home now!”  
“Wow, congrats to her, that’s amazing!”  
“Yeah so she’s home now and she’s doing pretty great and I didn’t want to ruin that or give my dad too much to handle and so we agreed to talk to my care team and yeah, I got admitted. They were just gonna do a 14 day stint thing to stabilise me but I decided to see if they could help me more, like they’ve helped my mom, so I signed up for a 12 week program and voila, I’m doing great!”  
“That’s amazing Josh, really, all of it, it sounds amazing,”

“I don’t want it to come across like it’s all been sunshine and roses without you, it’s not been like that, it’s been hard, it’s been really hard, I’ve had a few other admissions that weren’t so positive and I haven’t always been necessarily looking after myself as well as I could have been or communicating with Dad or my team or anything, but the past couple of months since Mom’s been home have been a real good turning point for me,”  
“I’m so happy to hear things are looking up,”  
“I’m even taking meds now! Like meds that actually work for me! Voluntarily!”  
“I’m really proud of you Josh,” Tyler’s smile was almost as wide as his face. 

“How about you? How are things on your end?”  
“Things are good, yeah,” he didn’t know whether opening up about why things were so good would upset Josh or not.   
“What’s the plan now you’re quitting Victoria’s? Did you find a new mentor to sign you?”  
“Nope, I’m taking a step back from realty actually, I’m sorta having a fresh start type thing? Or at the very least a break,”   
“Ooh, fun,”  
“Yeh, I’m gonna go work for a decorating company, paint some walls, fit some architrave, hang some pictures, that kinda thing - how badly does that reek of midlife crisis??”  
“No it sounds healthy Ty, sounds like you’re stepping back from something which makes you miserable, which is a really good thing to do,”   
“Thank you,” he needed to hear that, he needed to know that Josh understood that. 

“Painting is a lil rando though,” Josh cracked a smile.   
“It’s not completely random, my, uh, my partner, he paints these really elaborate murals which are stunning but he offers the whole decorating service and he’s getting really popular and can’t keep up with demand anymore, so yeah, I’m gonna help him with all the easy stuff whilst he goes full creative mode. I’ve been lending a hand where I can for the past few months over weekends and after work and it’s been a lotta fun, so now I’m gonna go full time and actually get paid for it. It’s gonna be good, I’m, I’m excited,”  
“As long as you’re excited, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, I’m just glad you’ve found something,”  
“Thanks Josh,” 

“Partner as in business partner, or..?”  
“Romantic. We, we don’t have to talk about him though,”  
“No it’s fine, I’m over you, it’s fine - what’s his name? How’d you meet?”  
“His name’s Toby, he worked on a house we were trying to sell, he did a mural for us to freshen the place up and Victoria had me supervise, and yeah, the rest is history,”   
“She had you watching paint dry? Wow, some things never change hey?”  
“God no, I swear she’s getting worse, I can’t wait to leave. I’ve wanted to quit forever but Toby encouraged me to actually do it,”

“Been together long?”  
“We just celebrated a year,”  
“Congrats, and I take it you guys are living together?”  
“Yeah since summer, we’re actually looking for a new place at the moment, trying to find somewhere a bit bigger,”  
“Oh, thinking of kids?”   
“No no no, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, no, we’re not quite that far down the line. We’ve got a puppy, Crouton, but that’s all the parenting I’m willing to do for the near future,”

“Dang it Ty, 4 years we were together and you never let me get a doggo, but 1 year with Toby and you’re already a doggy-dad?”  
“In my defence, I did get you a hamster for our second anniversary and you did try and put him down the waste disposal,” Tyler chuckled.   
“Minor detail!” He jokily complained, laughing. “You’re happy though, you, Toby and Crouton?”  
“So incredibly happy,”  
“Well then I’m happy too,”  
“Thanks bud, I appreciate,” Tyler smiled.   
“Bud? Eww, yikes, is this what the friend zone feels like?”  
“Sure is pal, how’d you like it buddy? Hmm? Hey chum? Mate? Bro? Amigo? Fella?”  
“Each one like a stab to my heart,” Josh laughed along. 

“How about you? Anyone on the scene?”  
“Not at all. Had a slutty phase during a manic episode at the beginning of the year and banged a bunch of dudes but otherwise it’s just been me myself and I,”  
“Spending time with yourself and getting to know yourself isn’t easy but it’s really important,”  
“I know I know, and having Mom home has been really good, really really good, but seeing her with Dad has just reminded me how messy mental health can make relationships. I want to make sure I’m way better before I even consider dating again, try and avoid doing to anybody else what I did to you,”

“You didn’t do anything to me Josh,”   
“I broke you,”  
“No you didn’t,”  
“Yes I absolutely did, I broke your spirit,”

Tyler looked over to the counter to see how the lady was getting along. There seemed to be maybe half his order completed and stacked by the checkout so far. 

“It was a difficult situation for both of us,”  
“I’m sorry I forced you into that situation,”  
“You didn’t force me, Josh, I fell in love with you, the whole you.”  
“You fell in love with a healthier me and as I deteriorated, I dragged you down with me,”

Tyler didn’t know what to say. 

“I’m really grateful for everything you did for me Ty, I, I don’t think I said that enough, but I appreciate you, so, uh, so thank you,”  
“You don’t have to thank me,”  
“No, I do. Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome,” the words stuck in his mouth clumsily. 

“Are you doing better now? I know it got pretty rough for you towards the end, I know you weren’t really, uh, I know you got quite jaded, quite down. It seems like you’re getting back on track, Toby sounds great and I’m so happy you’re ready to start working together and get a new place together and look after your dog together, but you, your mindset, are you doing better?”   
”Yeh, yeh I am actually, I went to therapy for a few months, which was good, and, uh, and I’m writing again,”   
“You are?” Josh grinned brightly.   
“Yeh,” Tyler smiled back, proud of himself. 

“I always loved that one you were working on when we first got together, the one about the sunflower man,”  
“That idea kind of ran out of steam, I still have the draft on my hard drive but I’ve got 4 or 5 other works in progress at the moment that are way more productive and exciting, and I’m writing every single evening, some nights I’m like a man possessed, last night I wrote over 10,000 words and Toby had to literally pull me away from my laptop and drag me to bed to make me sleep. I, I’ve got my flow back,”  
“I’m so happy for you Ty, genuinely. You seem at peace,”  
“I suppose I am?” He hadn’t seen it from that perspective before. 

Tyler didn’t know what else to say, but the silence was comfortable between them. He felt okay sitting there, saying nothing, watching how calm Josh could keep himself. He looked good. 

“Would it be strange if we went for dinner?”   
“Uhh,” Tyler froze.   
“Gah, sorry sorry, too weird, sorry, we don’t have to, I shouldn’t have even-“  
“Josh it’s fine, uh, dinner would be nice, maybe you bring your dad and we make it a catch up thing? Or I could come over to your place, I haven’t seen your mom in almost 3 years so that might be a lot for her or it might be really nice, you decide, I just, I, I don’t know how Tobe would feel about it only being me and you - more honestly I don’t know how I’d feel about it just being me and you.”

He felt guilty momentarily because Josh looked upset, and his instinct was to reach out and touch his arm, but he stopped himself. 

“You okay?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Yeh?”  
“Yeh, I just, mmm,” Josh nodded far too enthusiastically, avoiding eye contact. “Just really happy for you Ty,”  
“You’re allowed to be a mix of happy and sad,”  
“Have you met me? I, I don’t tend to do mixed emotions, I’m an all-your-eggs-in-one-basket kinda guy, balance isn’t my thing, I really go all in one way or the other, I, I, I, yeh,”  
“Josh,”  
“Mmm?”  
“You’re allowed to be a mix of happy and sad,” he said calmly. 

The girl behind the counter had finished his order but clearly tuned into the tone of their conversation and was respecting their space, leaving the sandwiches for collection and busying herself with prep. 

“I’m really really happy for you Ty, genuinely, I’m really really really happy for you,”  
“I believe you,”  
“I’m just sad for me,” he sniffed, followed by a small shrug. “I can’t help but selfishly wish you were really really happy with me.”  
“That’s a valid response Josh, totally valid, and I appreciate your honesty when I know it would be easier to put on a brave face. Thank you for saying your truth. All I’ll say in response is that I once loved you so deeply Josh, you were my first love and you always will be, you’re capable of being loved so deeply and so intensely, just not by me, not like that. I have to protect and promote my own wellbeing and that includes picking the people who nourish me to come closer, and allowing a little more distance within those relationships that are perhaps more taxing on me. I wish there was a world in which I could find space in my heart for you, because you are worthy of such beautiful love, but I’m simply not able to offer you what it is that you need and rather than reduce myself down to try and build you up, I need you to trust that somebody else is going to come along who will be so much more for you than I ever could be, and that’s going to be life changing,”

“I’m scared,” he whispered, picking at a piece of lettuce that had fallen from his abandoned sandwich.   
“Why are you scared?”  
“I’m scared I’m gonna hurt whoever comes next like I hurt you, and don’t you dare say I didn’t hurt you because we both know you were worn beyond thin after all those years dealing with me, and I’m scared I’m gonna keep hurting people and hurting people and I’ll end up alone.”  
“Next time will be different. Do you remember what you said before? About seeing your mom and your dad’s marriage? It’s made you determined to work on yourself before opening yourself up to a new relationship, and I can already see the progress you’re making. Taking meds? Voluntary admissions? Josh you’re doing an incredible job and this is just the beginning,”

“Can I be really honest?”  
“Always,”  
“Sometimes I feel unlovable. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I feel overwhelmed by how much of a mess I am to the extent that I feel like it’s too cruel and too much to expect anybody to have to deal with me. When I’m up I’m a constant risk and whoever is supposed to be looking after me can’t even blink because I’m always chomping at the bit and it must be exhausting to never be able to switch off without me trying to ruin my whole life, and then when I’m down I’m like a child, like a literal baby who does nothing but cry and sleep, who needs feeding and holding, and, and I just can’t imagine ever putting that load onto someone else after I realised what it did to you, but I’m so scared of being alone,”

“My turn to be honest?”  
“O-okay?” Josh nodded.   
“I think that’s the most self aware I’ve ever heard you. I don’t think, in the 4 and a bit years we were together, I ever heard you talk about your bipolar like that. Back then you’d either pretend it wasn’t a thing and just sweep it under the rug whenever I tried to bring it up, or you’d talk to me about your mom and how much you loved it when she was manic and used to do goofy things like run away with you in the middle of the night without telling your dad and take you on massive shopping hauls in New York, or you’d tell me it was your super power,”  
“Mmm,”  
“Was it nice to to hear you talk about a part of yourself in a positive light? Yes, of course it was, but it was also difficult because it made me think you were detached from the impact you were having in reality, and with detachment came distance and over time that built up and built up until it felt like you and I were on completely different pages regarding your mental health, and considering what a major part of our relationship that made up, it was pretty isolating,”  
“Yeh, that makes sense,”

“I don’t want you to hate yourself or any part of you, but now hearing your slight exasperation at your bipolar, it makes it sound like something you want to overcome, and I’m sure any future serious partner would love to join you in that long battle, because a joint effort is so much better than fighting opposite corners. Now you’re facing up to your condition and trying to get better, I bet you’ll be way better at taking your meds, and more likely to engage in your treatment, and they’re two aspects that wore me down faster than so many others, which are now rectified. Plus even the self awareness to have this kind of conversation, god, there were so many days in our relationship where I was so desperate to hear you say what I was thinking - I’m tired of the struggle - that I would have literally cried having this discussion. You’re improving Josh, you’re getting better, you’re getting there, you just need to be patient.” 

“I’m, I’m fresh out of hospital, that’s what Dad keeps reminding me, I’m fresh out of hospital and I need to give myself a lot more time before I start getting harsh with myself,”  
“He’s right, but when isn’t he, hey?” Tyler smiled. “7 weeks since your discharge and look at you, out here grabbing lunch by yourself, having a really self aware conversation with a really difficult person, you’re crushing it Josh,”  
“Yeah,”  
“I’m serious, you’re amazing, really, you’re amazing. Are you proud of yourself?”  
“I guess,” he shrugged.   
“Well I’m proud of you,”  
“Thanks Ty,”

Tyler smiled at him and he smiled back. 

“Victoria’s gonna bite your head off,” Josh glanced at the time.   
“That witch can go stick her head where the sun don’t shine, I’m talking to a loved one and that takes priority,”  
“I like the new no-nonsense Tyler,”   
“So do I,” he liked that Josh could see the change in him too. 

“With that being said, I should probably start thinking about taking lunch back soon,”  
“Yeah no that’s okay, it, uh, it was really nice to see you. I missed you,”  
“I missed you too Josh, really, I did,” he wasn’t sure whether to continue his line of thought, but his mouth had got ahead of him. “If, if you’re still up for grabbing a bite then maybe one day we can go get lunch?”  
“That sounds nice,”  
“Here, I, uh, I changed my number after we broke up but this is my new one. Your dad already has it but I want you to have it as well,” he pulled a pen from his pocket and scribbled it on Josh’s napkin. 

“I promise not to call you too much, I don’t want to get dependent on you again,”  
“No, Josh, call me whenever you need,”  
“What about Toby though?”  
“He’ll understand, I’ll make sure of it. I love him, he’s my world, but you were my first love and you’ll always mean a lot to me because of that, so if there’s ever anything I can do, just pick up the phone,”  
“You’re sure?”  
“I’m sure,”  
“Thanks Ty, I, I love you so much,”  
“Love you too Josh,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s that!
> 
> Would love to get some feedback from you guys, what would you do in Tyler’s position? Was breaking up the right call? Should they be trading numbers? What do you think will happen next, and is that a good thing?
> 
> Also any general feedback means a lot to me - the first chapter was great to hear from you all but it’s been a lil quiet since then, so lemme know what you’re thinking please :)
> 
> Lots of love   
> Maisie
> 
> Twitter: anathemasparks  
> Tumblr: anathematrash  
> Email for fan art: ao3.maisie@gmail.com (ily)


End file.
